Day 34-sat in the "smoking" section...

..of a resturant tonight, it was at Red Lobster & we were on a waiting list for 35 mins, so i told the waitress "which ever section is open first, doesnt matter"..and there was a booth in the smoking section open, so we took it.

anyways, during the 35 mins of waiting, me and the boyfriend were sitting up at the bar, watching sports on the tv, having a drink...just relaxing...then about 20 mins later, i hear 2 ladys talking right behind me...i turn around, and these 2 ladys were RIGHT behind me, chain-smoking...it wasnt crowded or anything, so why they stood behind me, i have no idea..

anyways...we get our table, sit down, and the waiter put an ashtray on the table, and i PROUDLY turned to him and said "I dont smoke..we dont need that :-)"

FELT SO GOOD TO SAY THAT!! I said it so proudly too, because its the hardest & my most proud achievment I've ever had in my life!!

Anyways, the meal was fantastic, and about an hour later, i looked out the window, and saw a lady (in her 40's) stop & light up a smoke, and took that "after-a-meal" DEEP inhale & exhale, then continued to walk to her car with her family.

thats when i started to miss smoking. i still never got over the fact that i cant smoke after a meal, which is so hard to do, even though i TRULY dont want to smoke.

so for the first time in weeks, i had to fight the "smoking demon" tonight. im sure i'll be fine tomorrow though :)

~Jamie~

Day 27-i "slipped"

so i was doing really good, not even THINKING about starting smoking again, im used to the new lifestyle of being smoke free & lovin every minute of it....

but on day 27, i slipped!! a "slip" means a couple of puffs or 1 whole cigeratte, but then you stop again right away. and thats what i did.

how did it happen? well...i guess i was REALLY nervous after I got off the phone with 911 *lol*

why was i on the phone with 911?? because my boyfriend was out with the boys playin poker all night, we got into a HUGE fight over the phone cuz he was drunk, he told me at 2am on the phone that he was on his way home (even though i asked him if he could sleep over his friends house cuz i didnt want him to drive drunk!!!)

4:30am rolls around, and hes not home!!!!! i started to panic, i thought he got into a drunk driving accident or something......even called his mother up at 5am to see if she heard something from him!!

then i called 911 & asked them if they could get a GPS tracking from his cell phone, and they said that they dont know how...so i hung up with them......and i was left with no help, no answers, no word of my man being safe....

....i was screaming, shaking, mad, scared, sad, crying, & calling his cell phone over & over again ........

then i remembered, i had 2 cigerattes in my freezer from my quit day...i thought about it for a minute & said "fuck it!" and light 1 up anyways...took 3 hits and died it out.....i felt like shit, my lungs felt like shit, it tasted like shit....but it DID calm my nerves, thats all i needed...i was too crazy, i needed something. and taking a hit from a cig worked faster than a shot of vodka...

do i regret it?? not really. Cuz i know in my heart & in my mind, that im no longer a smoker. and it wasnt a "slip" because i craved the smoke or because i was bored or anything else...i thought my boyfriend was dead, for christs sakes!!!

if it took a moment of thinking that someone may be dead for me to think about smoking for 3 puffs, then i really have no shame.

that was on day 27...its now Day 34 & im still smoke free, havent lit up since my "slip" or anything :)

I just wanted to post my slip, cuz as i said in the begining, i was/am going to be 100% honest to myself & my blog!!!

~Jamie~

Day 26

Well, i've busy working out at the gym, and doin some shit for the new apartment (getting prepared), and my not-smoking has been going really good, some days, i dont even THINK about smoking or cigerattes. I had re-arrange my life around not smoking, but i feel SO good without my lungs being full of smoke & tar.

but the past few days i've been feeling weird....its amazing how that drug (nicotene) can have a hold on a person & play tricks with the body.

Some mornings, I wake up, feeling like I smoked. My lungs are heavy-feeling, im coughing up mucas, and all this is after I have had a dream that I was smoking.

So sometimes i wake up feeling quilty for no reason, and it fucks with my head...if i FEEL like I smoked, and if i dreamed that i WAS smoking...and I feel quilty about..(the first thing that comes into my head is..)fuck it...might as well smoke then!

But then a couple seconds later, i think of all the time, pain, and hard work & health that I have gained since I stopped smoking on April 11th. I'll be DAMNED if im going to give all that up and treat my body & my health like shit.

So, I'm staying strong!!! :) Its still a battle, and still a War that I have to win. But I will keep fighting this demon!!

KEEP THE QUIT!!

~Jamie~