My 1 yr Anniversary!!!!

Wow....i made it!! ONE WHOLE YEAR!!! I'd be lying if i said i didnt have cigeratte in that time, I've had 7. 1 on New Years eve (which i didnt even smoke half) and the other 6 when my boyfriend, his best friend and I all went out for my mans birthday last month. We ran into some crazy chick and she said I could have as many smokes as I wanted (she was cutting down) so I took advantage of that. No, I wasnt drunk, but i was drinking that night...and then we went to a strip club...its just I knew deep down inside that I could leave it at the bar...and just be socially smoking that night.

I know that I will never pick the HABIT back up again. I LOVE having a great smelling house and clothes and breath and hair..and even more, i love that i can ACTUALLY SMELL!!

The downside to all of this is that I gained a ton of weight. 20 lbs to be exact. But thats another issue that Im dealing with. *sigh*

Even though i wasnt 100% faithful during the year, I still feel like I am truly a non smoker. If anything, maynbe a few on a rare occasion (kinda like how the guys hav their cigars during poker night). As far as ever going back to the way it was before..NO THANK YOU!!!

~Baba~

Day 34-sat in the "smoking" section...

..of a resturant tonight, it was at Red Lobster & we were on a waiting list for 35 mins, so i told the waitress "which ever section is open first, doesnt matter"..and there was a booth in the smoking section open, so we took it.

anyways, during the 35 mins of waiting, me and the boyfriend were sitting up at the bar, watching sports on the tv, having a drink...just relaxing...then about 20 mins later, i hear 2 ladys talking right behind me...i turn around, and these 2 ladys were RIGHT behind me, chain-smoking...it wasnt crowded or anything, so why they stood behind me, i have no idea..

anyways...we get our table, sit down, and the waiter put an ashtray on the table, and i PROUDLY turned to him and said "I dont smoke..we dont need that :-)"

FELT SO GOOD TO SAY THAT!! I said it so proudly too, because its the hardest & my most proud achievment I've ever had in my life!!

Anyways, the meal was fantastic, and about an hour later, i looked out the window, and saw a lady (in her 40's) stop & light up a smoke, and took that "after-a-meal" DEEP inhale & exhale, then continued to walk to her car with her family.

thats when i started to miss smoking. i still never got over the fact that i cant smoke after a meal, which is so hard to do, even though i TRULY dont want to smoke.

so for the first time in weeks, i had to fight the "smoking demon" tonight. im sure i'll be fine tomorrow though :)

~Jamie~

Day 27-i "slipped"

so i was doing really good, not even THINKING about starting smoking again, im used to the new lifestyle of being smoke free & lovin every minute of it....

but on day 27, i slipped!! a "slip" means a couple of puffs or 1 whole cigeratte, but then you stop again right away. and thats what i did.

how did it happen? well...i guess i was REALLY nervous after I got off the phone with 911 *lol*

why was i on the phone with 911?? because my boyfriend was out with the boys playin poker all night, we got into a HUGE fight over the phone cuz he was drunk, he told me at 2am on the phone that he was on his way home (even though i asked him if he could sleep over his friends house cuz i didnt want him to drive drunk!!!)

4:30am rolls around, and hes not home!!!!! i started to panic, i thought he got into a drunk driving accident or something......even called his mother up at 5am to see if she heard something from him!!

then i called 911 & asked them if they could get a GPS tracking from his cell phone, and they said that they dont know how...so i hung up with them......and i was left with no help, no answers, no word of my man being safe....

....i was screaming, shaking, mad, scared, sad, crying, & calling his cell phone over & over again ........

then i remembered, i had 2 cigerattes in my freezer from my quit day...i thought about it for a minute & said "fuck it!" and light 1 up anyways...took 3 hits and died it out.....i felt like shit, my lungs felt like shit, it tasted like shit....but it DID calm my nerves, thats all i needed...i was too crazy, i needed something. and taking a hit from a cig worked faster than a shot of vodka...

do i regret it?? not really. Cuz i know in my heart & in my mind, that im no longer a smoker. and it wasnt a "slip" because i craved the smoke or because i was bored or anything else...i thought my boyfriend was dead, for christs sakes!!!

if it took a moment of thinking that someone may be dead for me to think about smoking for 3 puffs, then i really have no shame.

that was on day 27...its now Day 34 & im still smoke free, havent lit up since my "slip" or anything :)

I just wanted to post my slip, cuz as i said in the begining, i was/am going to be 100% honest to myself & my blog!!!

~Jamie~

Day 26

Well, i've busy working out at the gym, and doin some shit for the new apartment (getting prepared), and my not-smoking has been going really good, some days, i dont even THINK about smoking or cigerattes. I had re-arrange my life around not smoking, but i feel SO good without my lungs being full of smoke & tar.

but the past few days i've been feeling weird....its amazing how that drug (nicotene) can have a hold on a person & play tricks with the body.

Some mornings, I wake up, feeling like I smoked. My lungs are heavy-feeling, im coughing up mucas, and all this is after I have had a dream that I was smoking.

So sometimes i wake up feeling quilty for no reason, and it fucks with my head...if i FEEL like I smoked, and if i dreamed that i WAS smoking...and I feel quilty about..(the first thing that comes into my head is..)fuck it...might as well smoke then!

But then a couple seconds later, i think of all the time, pain, and hard work & health that I have gained since I stopped smoking on April 11th. I'll be DAMNED if im going to give all that up and treat my body & my health like shit.

So, I'm staying strong!!! :) Its still a battle, and still a War that I have to win. But I will keep fighting this demon!!

KEEP THE QUIT!!

~Jamie~

Day 15,16 & 17 (today)..

I havent written in this blog for a few days because of some good news happening in my life :)

Well........

WE GOT THE APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D w00t w00t!!!

We almost didnt get it, actually. Our current landlords are assholes, and talked shit on me and my man when the landlord of the new apartment called.

So, when we got the rejection phone call, i was in tears (after I hung up, of course.) Not just because we didnt get the apartment, but because it was based on bullshit lies.

Then, that lady called us back and said she talked to our landlord again and caught her in some lies & bullshit and decided to bypass what the landlord said, and gave us the apartment purley on good faith :) THERE ARE GOOD HONEST PEOPLE OUT THERE!!!!! And theres a few evil people out there too, as was proven.

Anyways, we sign the lease on Sunday. :) Cant wait!!! Oh, and we move in July 1st.

And on top of that good news, I also got a part-time online job as a sales rep. Its nothing major right now because its only commission-based pay (for now) but if it works out, and I like it and the company likes my work, then I will be switched to salary.

The bad parts about that is that i HAVE to get a new computer. This computer will NOT handle much, and I need a 2nd computer..a new computer. So, I'm going to save up money in May and buy one.

I kinda regret taking the position actually. One of the things that I love about being an independant contractor is my FREEDOM and with that company, I wouldnt have that. Im very tempted to back out before its too late. I'll sleep on it.

Anyways, still not smoking!! :) Doing good!!

~Jamie~

Day 14-big fight, hard to handle...

Day 14....this is a milestone for me (3 days then 7 then 14 then 1 month: those are milestones)
So i am very proud of myself for achieving this goal!! :)

Well, i went to bed at 1am last night, had a lot of trouble sleeping. I kept stressing over the new apartment, are our applications going to be accepted or denied? If its denied, thats a REALLY bad sign that we wont be able to move out to ANYWHERE for a while, and thats scares me!!!!! Then I started thinking about how me and the boyfriend havent slept in the same bed for months now (hes an EXTREMELY loud snorer and often wakes me up from another room, let alone, laying next to him.) I know its because hes about 75 pds overweight and if he would stop drinking soda all of the time and actually join the gym (in which he has a free 2 week pass to) then maybe his fat ass would shed a pound or two.

Anyways, I slept for a total of 3 1/2 hours when my alarm went off: its time to get up and go to that damn First Communion thing for his nephew. So, I wake up, i go out to the living room with the boyfriend is, and I start to ask him "hey...is there a dinner or something after church?" and he IMMEDIATLY responded with "I fuckin KNEW you weren't gonna fuckin go with me!!!"

I was in shock!! All i was going to ask him was if i could maybe stay home and catch a few more hours of sleep then have him pick me up for the dinner or whatever (if they had one), later. But instead, he got pissed off at me and when he said that, I just turned around and walked away.

That was at 8am.......he left at 10am.....its now 11pm......and hes still not home. Where hes at, I have no clue. Either he doesnt care to call to tell me hes okay, or hes dead from a car accident or something. Either way, nothing I can do about it, so fuck it....no point in stressing. I dont wanna see him tonight anyways. He pissed me off.

So, thats that. I've been buring off my energy all day by cleaning the apartment and such. Trying to turn that negative energy into something useful. Well, its almost time for bed, so I'm going to watch tv (which i havent been able to do in WEEKS cuz the boyfriend has the tv everyday, no matter what.) So im going to enjoy tv for once, and just chill out.

Laterz!
~Jamie~

Day 13-not chewing gum alot..

Day 13 and im starting to not need the gum and hard candys anymore.

The first week, i went through gum and hard candy like it was AIR lol But now, I actually forget that I have gum. I simply just replaced cigs with gum and now, I think Im done with the gum.

Now, tomorrow is going to suck! The boyfriend's nephew has his "First Communion" (its a Catholic thing..), and i have to go to church...i'll probably burst into flames when I walk in the doors since I work in porn, and havent been to church in YEARS and Im catholic :
The thing i HATE about his family is that EVERY FUCKIN GATHERING LASTS 10 HOURS!!!!! Every Sunday, his mom invites the whole family over for dinner, and I never go because its like going to a fuckin Family Reunion every week ARGGHHH!!! lol

Its going to be 10 hours of "Congratualations!" and food. Greatttttttt....all i need is to be around a ton of food :(

Well, im bringing A SHITLOAD OF GUM tomorrow to get me through my first stressful public situation. Wish me luck! lol

~Jamie~

Day 12-still having dreams..

Day 12 and im STILL having some fucked up, weird ass dreams.

Anyways, today was a really stressful day for me, me and the boyfriend got into a small fight, i started to cry (which is weird, im not a cry-person) and then I asked him if i could have a cigerette and he said no. lol

Its so weird how stress can triger the mental part of wanting to smoke.

So, i went to the gym tonight and i had a ONE HELL OF A GREAT WORKOUT! I took all my stress, all my anger, all my fears, all my fucked up dreams, and jogged like hell & lifted weights for over an hour!

I FELT GREAT! :D

Came home feeling like a million bucks :)

OKay, thats it for today.

~Jamie~